obsessive

honesty is the best policy, right!?

i hate food. i hate exercise and i hate fitness. and its only cause i LOVE it. i get totally consumed by it. its my empowerment and my kryptonite .

i get obsessive with calories, with workouts and with what goes into my mouth. one time it got so out of hand i sat in my kitchen and i cried. im in a kitchen full of healthy food and i was afraid to eat. even last night, i was so upset that i treated myself to thin crust pizza with my kids. they should know there is a healthy balance to everything, but i just beat myself up all night about it. i didnt even have a soda, just water, and only four small squares. weird. i know. and to my kids, im sorry.

my husband doesnt understand it but he tries. i know it stems with some eating issues as a teen and a body issue that comes from being told your over weight by family members your whole life. being asked if you want to be fat, being told you look just like their fat selves -- it all adds up in a growing psyche.

point of this point, as much as i love to build people up, i struggle too! i am just like you. i have my own battles with weight from being depressed and gaining too much weight to losing weight and once i see change, i get so worried and consumed about what i am consuming and how many calories i am burning.

i am working every day on finding a balance, i am here to help you do the same. together we can conquer any problem. together, as a group of healthy, fit friends, we will succeed in our goals and feel proud - if we do it together!

Happy Saturday!

lets be real

today i had yet another encounter with someone who supposedly supports me but has fallen through for me. i relied on someone to be with my kids so i could attend a workout at a new place that i want to join, unfortunately when six o clock rolled around, they were no where to be found. in fact, they were over a half hour away and ignored the previous call that was to remind them about an hour prior to when i needed them.

no one is looking out for you
no one will be what you need them to be 100%
sure they will give encouragement
sure they will cheer you on
BUT
unless you are willing to only rely on your own motivation and your own drive, you will get no where. other people can only take you so far. until you want it with everything you got - people like the above will just be another road block and excuse and will stop you from reaching your goals.

make a list of why you want your new body.
your new job
your new car
your new friends
your new lifestyle
your new mentality
your new outlook on life

study that list EVERY. DAY. Then work your ass off for it and it may take some jumping, some maneuvering and some crawling and maybe even some crying - but damn it. as long as you want it as much as you breathe. you will get there.

what to do when....

Last night was a horrific night for me.
I was full of excitement as I prepared to pay for an instructor training. I started to share with someone my grand plan of how I wanted to start teaching Turbo Kick (the group fitness version of Turbo Fire) and then I stopped. Just that quick, like a band-aid being ripped off your knee, I stopped talking just that fast.
Someone who I love and value very dearly who I thought had always supported me in the journey squashed my spirit for about 12 hours. I won't tell you who it is, like Beth Moore says, it wouldn't bless you to know that information. I was told by my loved one that I shouldn't and couldn't do it. I was given a whole list of reasons -
-Not physically ready
-Have you put in the work
-You don't like to stick things out
-My kids take up so much time
-You have a hard time finding ways to get stuff done around your house (s/n *truly I tell you, my house is not a disaster, but I also choose to "pick my crazy" so I don't have an immaculate house - it is what it is, some day I will but not with 4 kids under 8 - its just not going to happen and I have come to be okay with that)
-How will you manage your kids' activities if you are doing your own?
And the list when on and on a little longer but the conversation only went on for about 10 minutes before my will to keep trying would have just ran out. I was angry and I went to bed with my plan right out the window. I cried a little and then fell asleep.
Last night's conversation really challenged me. I felt like yeah, I know I still hover around 200 lbs but I also know I have kept off 60 lbs for two years and during a pregnancy. For the sake of all my hard work and determination, I had to list all of my accomplishments.
I'm not writing this to vent, although it is a little therapeutic to verify again that I am strong and I have come a long way. I am writing this because you need to know that when someone cuts you down, makes you feel little in confidence (and in my case large in body) - you need to have an attitude that will learn from it.
I have decided to restructure my plan to make it indestructible. I am delaying when I wanted to take my training class but I will be better for it and I am jam packing my schedule with me time for workouts and me time for self development so when you take my Turbo class, I will be the most bad-ass teacher you have had (aside from Julie D and Chalene herself!)
Today I joined a kickboxing gym - a extreme fitness gym and vamped up my home workouts! I wrote out an eating plan for three months and designed one for my kids too. I wrote out calendars for my kids, for child care and my own schedule and I will not fail. I will prove everyone wrong, especially said person who gave me the ammunition to design a way better plan than before that is foolproof and they can eat their words later.
Its all about your attitude. You can get sad or you can get strong.
-Kayla-

fat shaming... ew and UGH!

So in the last year I was pregnant, delivering my 4th beautiful and healthy baby. And unlike the last three - this time taking off the weight has been much harder and the kicker is I gained the LEAST amount of weight with my little guy. Im not sure if its been that he is number four- the tubal that I had after or just not putting myself first... But I do know I am still trying, still lifting and still working out -- which is whats leading me to this blog. 

I HATE people who fat shame. Fit or Fat - thick or thin, I cannot stand that anyone thinks they have a privilege or right or even carries the audacity to tell say negative things about people.

Last night at my church's VBS, while playing dodge-ball tag, a fellow volunteer tagged me with the ball. Now, I have had a target on my head with the kids, and of course the adults all play - but the words that came out of her mouth cut me and hurt bad - Im still struggling to shake it. She followed up with "I wanted to pick a slow person."

I don't know this woman very well, and Im not even 100% sure she meant it malicious or not, but what I do know is I wanted to yell at her all of my stats

- I have done more 5k runs than I can count on my hand.

- I ran a mud run with my fitness coach at SIX MONTHS PREGNANT

- I have increased my weights by 15 lbs since my baby's birth

- I can run faster, longer than pre baby

and so on and so on

I wanted to say why do you think I am slow, because I am bigger? My heart felt like the fat girl I was in elementary who never got asked to play sports first and who the kids taunted on the playground in a game of chase. My heart relived the countless moments when my mom would tell me how I was just like her now (fat) and how my older sister is just like her when she was younger (very thin) and then would follow up with how much she hated herself. Which I thought meant I should hate myself. It brought me to the 8th grade girl who started throwing up so I could fit into my sisters size 2 (and i did it) and struggled all of high school to maintain a size 7. 

So to the person who snickers in the gym at the "fat" kid, to the person who doubts your ability to run, and to the person who thinks they are better. Shame on you for not giving credit to the person who is just playing with the kids (who dont notice fat... we teach them that... keep that in mind) or who is trying to get fit and who may just be running a little slower than you. 

Bottom line. If you are not encouraging, laughing with, and being positive with other people, your negativity is not wanted, warranted or desired. If you have nothing nice to say - SHUT. UP.

-Kayla-