life is more than fitness

I often write about my struggles or accomplishments in fitness, but lately my heart has been tugged to write about the thankfulness of the blessings I have received in my life as a parent. My husband was put on a really grueling and time consuming schedule for the last few months and it has been really hard to parent alone. Often times, feeling so overwhelemed, I have said things that I didn't mean at all and God forgive me for those shortcomings and sins. I was questioning God a lot! Where were my blessings for doing the right thing? Where were my rewards for making hard choices that changed my life? Where were my gifts for forgiving hardships in my marriage? Why can't God just help my children behave?!

I conceived my first child when I was seventeen and my then boyfriend, now husband, knew that abortion was never an option. We considered adoption for a long time, but ultimately I knew I could never live with not knowing if a family would be good to her. We kept our baby. Our pastor's wife prayed with me every Sunday after church - we prayed for a lot of aspects that were going to change in our life once Rylee came. Let me tell you, friends, God answers prayers and when He does, he does it in a mighty way. John had all but signed the papers to join to ARMY to take care of us, We found out his boot camp would begin the very week I was due to have our daughter. He postponed signing and swearing in and explained why to his recruiter and in the mean time John had received news that he was getting a job at a local oil refinery. What a blessing. My pregnancy was hard. My liver wanted to not work right, my kidneys didnt want to work right and I had hyper-emesis pretty bad. Despite all of that, Rylee was born a healthy and alert baby girl. Perfect in every way. What a blessing. John's new job made it so we didn't have to be on welfare anymore and I could stay home. What a blessing.

Our second child was an absolute horrible pregnancy. I ended up with a PICC line to give myself potassium infusions and steroid shots to ensure her lungs would be developed. The doctor knew she was going to come early. (What a blessing!) Reagan was born at 33 weeks. She was perfect! We were in the NICU for only three of the seven weeks that they anticipated. What a blessing. She didn't need to come home on a monitor or oxygen like many babies do. Reagan does not have a single ailment related to her premature birth. WHAT A BLESSING!

Ryan's entire existence is a miracle! Ryan came all on his own at 36 weeks. The hospital did not want me to deliver, but Ryan had other plans. Ryan was a blue as a blueberry when he entered the world. Myself and a lot of concerned family members would ask the nurse if it was normal and every time we were told yes. We were discharged and home. At Ryan's well check, he had lost more weight. We were told to enjoy the holiday weekend and come back for a weight check. (it was fourth of July weekend) Before the holiday weekend my daughter had to go in for a visit. A Muslim doctor who doesn't normally have residents with her noticed his odd breathing but assumed it was periodic breathing and was about to brush it off but decided to use it as a teaching moment. Upon listening, she realized Ryan was holding his breath longer than he should have been and she decided to order an pneumogram to be safe. (BLESSING! AND PROOF THAT GOD WILL USE ANYONE TO DO HIS WORK!) Ryan had his pneumogram that night. The nurse came to pick up the test gear but left the apnea monitor with the instructions to keep it in case he needed it. NOT TO KEEP IT ON HIM. As we were getting ready to leave for an over night vacation with family, another nurse called to see if the equipment had been picked up and I had just a few questions for her. In our conversation, the new nurse told me that monitor should have NEVER been taken off of him! (HELLO MIRACLE!) While at a cottage with family, Ryan's monitor kept going off but we didn't know what that meant but we did know it meant we weren't going to stay over night anymore. We didn't want it to keep everyone awake. So we left. (God has an amazing way of putting you where you need to be!) Sunday morning, John went to give our car to the youth pastor so they could use it to carpool on a mission trip. During that time he received a call straight from the home of our pediatrician and she said take Ryan to the hospital immediately! So we did and that began his eleven month journey with oxygen and an apnea monitor. It was one of the most scary times in our lives - ever. The first hospital we took him to allowed him to be off his oxygen THREE TIMES and his tiny body couldn't handle it. He needed the help breathing and consequently we ended up back in the hospital. Our pediatrician sent us to a second hospital (SUCH A BLESSING!) and the doctors there ran tests and made a plan and made sure that we were comfortable with the plan. They listened and they got Ryan off of the monitor and oxygen when it was safe for him - not when most babies don't need it anymore. I could not love Dr. Cohn more - he saved by baby's life! I wish he was still practicing so I could tell him how grateful we are to him. Ryan is now three and they told us this was the time that he would show signs of cognitive delays. We were warned that since his body was deprived of oxygen - his brain may have been affected. But we prayed for healing, and God is faithful. Ryan shows NO SIGNS of any delays. He is smart, He is witty. He is all boy! God gave me so many blessings during this time!

After Ryan was finally on the mend, my husband and I wanted to have another baby right away. We wanted them close in age. So we tried for a long time, and unlike the rest, nothing happened. I had learned I had some medical stuff that made it amazing that my babies turned out okay as it was - and I probably wouldn't be able to have anymore. We decided to be okay with that decision and sold all of our stuff. Then the following March, I learned I was pregnant with baby Reid. My pregnancy was smooth, it was full term and while he didn't always like to cooperate for non-stress tests and ultrasounds, it was rather uneventful - like it should be and unlike the previous three. Reid was perfect. God gave us a beautiful baby boy and he is the final piece to our family puzzle. He is smart and bright. He likes to talk about da-da a lot. It totally can make John's day and me a little jealous; but - I am thankful.

I have friends who have lost kids. I have friends whose babies are sick and yet I was complaining and being so angry at my kids. I have to confess, I had mean thoughts and I couldn't always keep them to myself. I am thankful for a God who forgives and gives me a new day to try harder and be better. What was I thinking to question my blessings or when was it going to be my turn to have the things I wanted? Did God not provide a good job so I could stay home and healthy kids to enjoy? Wow, my perspective was way to worldly and I needed to take a step back and reevaluate life. My house is small, but God blessed me with it at 19 years old so I could raise a family that He kept healthy. How narrow minded had I become to forget to see the big picture around me.

Life is more than your hobbies, your job or your wants. Life is more than how good your kids behave and they are more important than the grades they bring home and the chores they do or maybe do not do. I needed that reminder. God blessed me with four beautiful kids. He saved them and he protected them and I was mad at them and quite frankly, I needed an attitude adjustment. I was being ungrateful and mean. What the heck. Writing this has even been more helpful to remember all the times God has said, HELLO. I am here and you ARE so blessed and favored.

If nothing else from this read, you have been able to see a small snippet of my life and how God has totally moved in it! I just had to share my heart.

Help!

Im injured and I can't get up!

It's no secret to my friends and family and most of my followers that I am injured with a messed up Achilles tendon issue.. I have been referred to an orthopedic surgeon to look over the injury and make a final verdict for a plan of action. It's good and bad. I have mixed emotions about it. I know I am going to be severely delayed in my plans, but I know if I don't get it taken care of, my goals could not happen - period.
At my last appointment, my doctor shared with me that it very well could have been my weight that caused the injury. I know I am probably sensitive to this or just frustrated cause I feel like I am capable of doing more than my body will let me. I am too fat to workout hard, the way I like to workout. I am too fat for kickboxing, for running (even the treadmills shake when I go over 5.0) and its like the world and now my body is saying, you are too fat to GET SKINNY!
I just feel like. WHAT. THE. HELL!?
I sulked for a few days and my foot hurt like hell. I tried to be more busy here and my foot hurt even more. Finally, my husband, and voice of reason, told me that I just had to take it easy. And I just started to cry. I brought up surgery because it's becoming clear to me that I can't do this on my own. I always thought I could, but apparently, I can't. I am STILL so frustrated I could cry. I begged him to let me look into a bi-lateral sleeve or a gastric bypass. And then I cried myself to sleep when he said no because he knows I can do it.
Friends. I am in a not so good fitness place. I KNOW I can do it, but in the most literal sense, my body won't let me. My husband is trying to be encouraging and uplifting and yet I want to scream at him because he just doesn't understand the stress and frustrations I feel over this kind of stuff. My biggest fear is to be 260 lbs again and without being able to workout, I just can't get it out of my mind that its going to happen.
Has anyone else been here? I feel like so much of the fitness community has only been mildly over weight and I am still, despite losing 50+ pounds, am still consider morbidly obese.
I am trying to take it back to the basics. I am trying to just take it one day at a time, one meal at a time, one small light workout at a time, one small goal at a time and I am just PRAYING that they add up - you too?

part of the club

Like many other people, on Tuesday nights i love to watch Extreme Weight-loss on ABC. This past Tuesday I watched a man lose 180 pounds and he still didn't qualify for skin removal surgery and what he said has stuck with me since. He said, "I feel like I got kicked out of a club that I never really belonged to."

Fitness is not a once size fits all. It's not a one way fits all. It is surely not exclusive and we would all be better off with it.

To the man in that show, despite how you feel with your accomplishments but not hitting your goals, you belong. To the woman who is a celebrity trainer and helps millions, you belong. To the dad who works out after work, you belong and to the woman who is just beginning her journey by walking her dog - you belong.

This club has the ability to feel exclusive. It has the availability to be harsh and mean and discouraging. I am here to tell you, get with the right people.

I remember when I started Turbo Kick and everyone in there was so fast, and so slim, and could follow cues and I would think, "what am I doing here?!" And I didnt reach out for help and I didnt reach out for friends and I remember hearing that the instructor was part of a fit girls clique. I remember feeling sad and frustrated!

I refuse to let anyone feel that way. It is not okay to make someone feel bad for wanting to be better than they were the day, or month, or week, or year, or hour before!

Today I felt the nearly 200 pounds of my body holding me back. I did my fave class Turbo Kick and then I did a hardcore kickboxing class at another gym. And in both instances, my fat got in the way. (please don't say I am not fat. I am, but I have learned it doesnt define me) As luck would have it, during the kickboxing class, I was paired up with the wife of another instructor - who had badass-ery mastered. She was amazing. She was pregnant and still kicking butt! She could have taken one look at me and said, NOOO THANKS. But she too believes that the fitness club is all inclusive. She helped me perfect my stance, reach further with my strikes and punches and she cheered me on - and I tried my best to do the same for her.

So chin up all you people who are trying your best to be the best you. Who are trying your best to get weight under control, to manage stress through fitness, who are trying to perfect that shoulder and round that bum - we all have different goals but we need to be inclusive. We need to invite people to be healthy and we need to encourage them to keep trying, keep perfecting, and STOP giving up!

You ARE part of that club.

obsessive

honesty is the best policy, right!?

i hate food. i hate exercise and i hate fitness. and its only cause i LOVE it. i get totally consumed by it. its my empowerment and my kryptonite .

i get obsessive with calories, with workouts and with what goes into my mouth. one time it got so out of hand i sat in my kitchen and i cried. im in a kitchen full of healthy food and i was afraid to eat. even last night, i was so upset that i treated myself to thin crust pizza with my kids. they should know there is a healthy balance to everything, but i just beat myself up all night about it. i didnt even have a soda, just water, and only four small squares. weird. i know. and to my kids, im sorry.

my husband doesnt understand it but he tries. i know it stems with some eating issues as a teen and a body issue that comes from being told your over weight by family members your whole life. being asked if you want to be fat, being told you look just like their fat selves -- it all adds up in a growing psyche.

point of this point, as much as i love to build people up, i struggle too! i am just like you. i have my own battles with weight from being depressed and gaining too much weight to losing weight and once i see change, i get so worried and consumed about what i am consuming and how many calories i am burning.

i am working every day on finding a balance, i am here to help you do the same. together we can conquer any problem. together, as a group of healthy, fit friends, we will succeed in our goals and feel proud - if we do it together!

Happy Saturday!

lets be real

today i had yet another encounter with someone who supposedly supports me but has fallen through for me. i relied on someone to be with my kids so i could attend a workout at a new place that i want to join, unfortunately when six o clock rolled around, they were no where to be found. in fact, they were over a half hour away and ignored the previous call that was to remind them about an hour prior to when i needed them.

no one is looking out for you
no one will be what you need them to be 100%
sure they will give encouragement
sure they will cheer you on
BUT
unless you are willing to only rely on your own motivation and your own drive, you will get no where. other people can only take you so far. until you want it with everything you got - people like the above will just be another road block and excuse and will stop you from reaching your goals.

make a list of why you want your new body.
your new job
your new car
your new friends
your new lifestyle
your new mentality
your new outlook on life

study that list EVERY. DAY. Then work your ass off for it and it may take some jumping, some maneuvering and some crawling and maybe even some crying - but damn it. as long as you want it as much as you breathe. you will get there.

what to do when....

Last night was a horrific night for me.
I was full of excitement as I prepared to pay for an instructor training. I started to share with someone my grand plan of how I wanted to start teaching Turbo Kick (the group fitness version of Turbo Fire) and then I stopped. Just that quick, like a band-aid being ripped off your knee, I stopped talking just that fast.
Someone who I love and value very dearly who I thought had always supported me in the journey squashed my spirit for about 12 hours. I won't tell you who it is, like Beth Moore says, it wouldn't bless you to know that information. I was told by my loved one that I shouldn't and couldn't do it. I was given a whole list of reasons -
-Not physically ready
-Have you put in the work
-You don't like to stick things out
-My kids take up so much time
-You have a hard time finding ways to get stuff done around your house (s/n *truly I tell you, my house is not a disaster, but I also choose to "pick my crazy" so I don't have an immaculate house - it is what it is, some day I will but not with 4 kids under 8 - its just not going to happen and I have come to be okay with that)
-How will you manage your kids' activities if you are doing your own?
And the list when on and on a little longer but the conversation only went on for about 10 minutes before my will to keep trying would have just ran out. I was angry and I went to bed with my plan right out the window. I cried a little and then fell asleep.
Last night's conversation really challenged me. I felt like yeah, I know I still hover around 200 lbs but I also know I have kept off 60 lbs for two years and during a pregnancy. For the sake of all my hard work and determination, I had to list all of my accomplishments.
I'm not writing this to vent, although it is a little therapeutic to verify again that I am strong and I have come a long way. I am writing this because you need to know that when someone cuts you down, makes you feel little in confidence (and in my case large in body) - you need to have an attitude that will learn from it.
I have decided to restructure my plan to make it indestructible. I am delaying when I wanted to take my training class but I will be better for it and I am jam packing my schedule with me time for workouts and me time for self development so when you take my Turbo class, I will be the most bad-ass teacher you have had (aside from Julie D and Chalene herself!)
Today I joined a kickboxing gym - a extreme fitness gym and vamped up my home workouts! I wrote out an eating plan for three months and designed one for my kids too. I wrote out calendars for my kids, for child care and my own schedule and I will not fail. I will prove everyone wrong, especially said person who gave me the ammunition to design a way better plan than before that is foolproof and they can eat their words later.
Its all about your attitude. You can get sad or you can get strong.
-Kayla-

fat shaming... ew and UGH!

So in the last year I was pregnant, delivering my 4th beautiful and healthy baby. And unlike the last three - this time taking off the weight has been much harder and the kicker is I gained the LEAST amount of weight with my little guy. Im not sure if its been that he is number four- the tubal that I had after or just not putting myself first... But I do know I am still trying, still lifting and still working out -- which is whats leading me to this blog. 

I HATE people who fat shame. Fit or Fat - thick or thin, I cannot stand that anyone thinks they have a privilege or right or even carries the audacity to tell say negative things about people.

Last night at my church's VBS, while playing dodge-ball tag, a fellow volunteer tagged me with the ball. Now, I have had a target on my head with the kids, and of course the adults all play - but the words that came out of her mouth cut me and hurt bad - Im still struggling to shake it. She followed up with "I wanted to pick a slow person."

I don't know this woman very well, and Im not even 100% sure she meant it malicious or not, but what I do know is I wanted to yell at her all of my stats

- I have done more 5k runs than I can count on my hand.

- I ran a mud run with my fitness coach at SIX MONTHS PREGNANT

- I have increased my weights by 15 lbs since my baby's birth

- I can run faster, longer than pre baby

and so on and so on

I wanted to say why do you think I am slow, because I am bigger? My heart felt like the fat girl I was in elementary who never got asked to play sports first and who the kids taunted on the playground in a game of chase. My heart relived the countless moments when my mom would tell me how I was just like her now (fat) and how my older sister is just like her when she was younger (very thin) and then would follow up with how much she hated herself. Which I thought meant I should hate myself. It brought me to the 8th grade girl who started throwing up so I could fit into my sisters size 2 (and i did it) and struggled all of high school to maintain a size 7. 

So to the person who snickers in the gym at the "fat" kid, to the person who doubts your ability to run, and to the person who thinks they are better. Shame on you for not giving credit to the person who is just playing with the kids (who dont notice fat... we teach them that... keep that in mind) or who is trying to get fit and who may just be running a little slower than you. 

Bottom line. If you are not encouraging, laughing with, and being positive with other people, your negativity is not wanted, warranted or desired. If you have nothing nice to say - SHUT. UP.

-Kayla-