Today I was a big baby. I have written about this before but, I am not sure if I have become more aware about how much I really weigh and how big I really am. Being a size 16 is no joke people. I mean I started at an 18/20 in August, so I know I am making progress - it just seems like I will get dressed in the morning and then I leave and I feel good about myself. Later, I will look at pictures from a day when I thought I looked good and I think - WTF? Who let me look like that and why didn't anyone tell me you are putting on weight. Obviously these questions are both rhetorical, but still in my mind I am upset about how I really look. I hate how acutely aware I have become about how I look and what I weigh. But I need it. I cant hate something that isn't there, and I need this not to be there. I need to not wonder if my husband is checking out other women cause they are skinnier than me (Ladies, you know you have wondered the same thing here and there) or if the people in the gym are looking at me because when I run I jiggle more or because when I dance I have extra bounce in my body. I mean I specifically go to my 24 hour gym at night so people don't watch me run, silly right? I know I shouldn't compare but you would be lying if you said you never compared yourself to someone else physically. How I physically look and not just how I feel.
So today I took my daughters to a movie and ate crap. I told myself I would push myself in my workouts today to compensate. I did my Turbo Jam and then headed to a class at the gym, Dance Party. While I was at dance party it was hard not to notice I was the fattest girl in that class. Pity Party - party of one.. right here! I really didn't push it because I was so focused on what was around me and not focused on ME.
I didn't sign up for this challenge because I am already skinny and fit and runner ready - I did it because I need help. I need accountability. I need to shred these pounds to be a better mom for my kids. I need to shred these pounds and get fit to have a better marriage with my husband. I want to be confident and enjoy what I do and never have weight and unhealthy reasons to be self conscious or worry that I cant participate in things with the people I love. I wanted to join this group challenge to learn and establish healthy habits that I can continue after the next 28 days are over.
So now that I have allowed myself to be down about how I look, I have decided to never do this again! I have spent the last how many days being down. I need to just look at the skinny fit girl thats inside me and know that I am working hard to bring her out! At least I can rest in the fact that I still did the workouts, finished the day with healthy eating and didnt give up all together!
Here's to tomorrow! I think maybe I needed a slap in the face like today. I know I will accomplish more tomorrow because my attitude will be better!
-Kayla-
Kayla - maybe I missed it somewhere but I saw your new pics/measurements, but no comparison as to the beginning. Comparing your first and your recent picture - I can see A LOT of improvement. It looks like you are doing a fantastic job! So, how many inches/lbs have you lost from day 1? Keep up the good work - you inspire me!
ReplyDeleteI laughed at your comment that men just say "diet" and they drop 10 lbs! So true. What is even worse for me is that after menopause (and I had menopause at 33 when I had a complete hyst) women's metabolism goes waaaay down. I don't think I have any!
I started my unofficial journey in August, when my oldest started kindergarten. I am down 17 lbs from that but it took me so long, I think because I wasnt so serious about it. I am hoping since now that I am more committed to this journey, I will be able to drop faster and make the changes necessary to make them life long and not just a fad. I can post a picture form earlier, its not "biggest loser style" but it shows what 230 looks like.
ReplyDeleteI lied, I am down 23... I am at 207 now :)
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