Stumble

So - This past month has been a bust for me. I have gained weight back and with the crazyness of this life, it has been easy to once again put myself on the back burner. Ladies (gentlemen too), why do we do that? Why do we as women put ourselves last? Is it the whole nuture versus nature, or is it because our nature is to nuture... everyone but ourselves?

I am really good at this, getting on the band wagon and then falling off! So because I want this time to be so much more different then every other time I had yoyo'd my weight, I am determined to find out WHY my commitment comes and goes - except I dont think it comes and goes, I think I just allow myself to be on the back burner.

There are obvious reasons why we put ourselves last
1. Kids
2. Spouses
3. Prior Commitments
4. Our Jobs
5. House Work
6. Family Matters
... and the list can go on and on

As I was thinking about this list I was still thinking to myself that my reasons to keep going have got to be bigger than this! They are, my kids deserve a mom and dad who are healthy and happy and they have one of those - unfortuneately for them, its their dad and he is the bread winner of the family so he is not the one who is always there and they get me, the woman with a body complex. Have I passed that on to them? Do they worry about their weight? The size of their clothes? Does my first grader compare herself to the other girls in her class and feel bigger? Does she know that she is on the charts perfect and in the eyes of her momma perfect? My three year old is perfect. My 16 month old is the silliest kid I have ever met and the three of them are the biggest gift from God I have ever recieved.

How did I get this way? Kids don't grow up comparing themselves to other kids unless its about how fast, what toy they have, what vacation they went on for spring break. You get the occasional bully on the playground who calls you fat, points out the zit - but we all know its that person too who has the insecurities that are taught.

Gosh, you know, I was going to tell you about my childhood and how things transpired that maybe led me to where I am, but the more I think about it the more I feel like its an excuse. I mean I do believe you are taught selfimage, and I had some unfortunate things lead me to believe I was fat and it was a horrible thing but YOU ARE NOT YOUR PAST! I AM NOT MY PAST!

So here I am, needing to get back on board with my journey. Thankfully I haven't gained it all back, but a gain in itself is frustrating to me. I have worked too hard to go back! (I have bought too many smaller pairs of jeans too!) I need to keep journaling, keep working and inspiring myself and others. If I can do this, so you can.

Im back BABY!